Waiting sucks. Oh, I know, patience builds character, blah blah, I think we’ve all got enough character haven’t we? I am not a patient person. The best I can do is simulate external patience and distract the hell out of my internal self so I don’t reveal my lack of character to the world at large.

In honour of this, I give you ten ways to pass the time while you’re waiting on something*.

1. Make plans

Set up a new diary or planner to better achieve your goals. You’ll be so busy looking forward you won’t have time to worry about the past.

2. Help someone else out

Volunteer to do something for someone else. Helping others is not only a great thing to do as a human, it also makes you feel useful and valued, which is a good counter to anxiety.

3. Try a new hobby or learn a new skill.

Salsa! Microwave cooking for one! Ninja-science-crimefighting! You’ll soon be so frustrated at your fresh incompetence you’ll forget you were impatient about that other thing.

4. Be useful

Household chores are a good way of distracting yourself. I just defrosted and cleaned my fridge and it’s FUCKING SPARKLING now and there’s no longer a scary frozen lump the size of my child’s skull stuck to the back, and I didn’t think about anything else but ‘what the hell is that sludgy green soggy-paper-like-thing at the core of the Lump of Doom’ for a good hour.

5. Get moving!

Taking up a new physical activity is a great way to stop obsessing. And the acid from the vomit after you do a few dozen burpees will burn away that anxiety!

6. Treat yo’self

You’ve earned that entire chocolate cake after all those burpees.

7. Get some inner peace on!

Meditation or some shit like that, idk.

8. Get crafty!

Make a voodoo doll representing your most unpleasant acquaintance and then brutally annoy the doll in as many ways as possible, eg:

• put dishgloves on it where the inside is full of cold soapy water
• call it repeatedly asking it to commit to a regular payment plan to a charity – DO NOT allow it to make a single one off donation
• sand down one leg of each of its chairs and tables so that the furniture always rocks slightly
• stack its miniature dishwasher inefficiently
• yank its earbuds out suddenly when it’s listening to a podcast.

9. Troubles shared are troubles halved!

Call your whiniest friend and listen to them bitch pointlessly about some minor inconvenience for a few hours, and your troubles will melt away by comparison.

10. Make soup from the bones of your enemies

It’s nutritious and satisfying.

Follow these easy tips and time will just fly by!

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* Long term, dudes. This won’t help you in the doctor’s waiting room. Just read a book or play on your phone for half an hour, jeez, kids these days, etc